Today is The Big Blurtathon... and #weallhaveastory this is mine

If you are around me for any length of time, I will generally let you see part of the real me. It isn't always intentional, sometimes.it just slips out, but it is part of me. You see I have the label of depression and anxiety. It's something that has followed me around since I was a teenager. I once spoke on BBC radio 4 regarding the use of anti depressants with teenagers. I was in much defence of my GP. But I am getting ahead of myself... you see my story starts a long time ago probably before I was even born. Depression and anxiety feature in families a d it's difficult to start my story without brushing across theirs do forgive me my story's start is beginning with me. I can't tell someone else's story. So yes there was me. Me brought into a broken home quickly. With a mum and older brother, our family unit Broken families are more common these days but even thirty odd years ago they happened. They leave behind a lot of weird feelings and a lot of hurt... so back to my story. My family unit was very close. My brother and I would play nicely together, we were supported by a wider community. But my memories are still filled with the feeling of tense air that surrounded. As I've grown I've learnt of the battles that happened during that time but as a small thing I know I experienced it. My journey took me to nursery where the tale goes I wasn't very sure of it and cried every day until they questioned of I should be there. The question posed to me explaining I was upsetting other children and my behaviour change after shows that even then I was beginning to learn to allow others feelings above mine. I dont have many memories from that time, none featuring other children. I made a colour spinner, i remember that clearly. We had lunch there and I often had salad which had a spoonful of mash potato and we caught the bus which had those seats that when you aren't on them they tip vertically. Starting school I remember the playground being huge (I've seen it since it isn't.) I remember there was an older child with long blonde hair that encouraged me away from being sat on my own. I liked thinking on my own. I had friends there but even then with hindsite I wonder how much things now would spot some of what forms my diagnosis now. We moved schools. New family. New house. New school. My school report in my first year said she gets in a tizz if she doesn't understand but after a quiet break she will get on. That trend has followed me. Always the helper too. I looked after those younger. Volunteered to help. But still got frustrated over smallest of things. Lost two housepoints for not spelling Wednesday right and then not caring... school was a battle friendships a struggle I would have one best friend and when that ended it was looking after those that didn't have anyone. No one chose me for secondary school and yet I don't think it was because No one liked me more that I was a bit of a loner even then. Secondary school had it's own issues. Bullying. Scared of shadow. The school bus full of spit balls and smoking. It didn't agree with me. Academically I was recognised for putting the effort in. First person to get straight 1s. Eventually settled into a small friendship group after following my brother round for a couple of years. Looking back can colour the view as well as provide good reflection. Again I was just me. Drifted and tried different groups but wasn't settled at all. Learnt not to go to the loo at school for fear of who might lurke in the toilets. It's here the doc started watching me closely observed my loner tendencies and anxiety towerds things. Tried me on a low dose of antidepressant but I hated it. Would see me regularly to check in on me, referred me to my first counsellor. Still hugs me when he sees me despite being retired for 15 years. Was my first true observer. I started an online life about this time. Somewhere I could relate. Not always safely it was a place to rebel. I am sorry my story seems so long. I learnt a lot through counselling. I learnt that I am very observant and can spot something out of place in s room I've visited once. I learnt that more is got out of me if you ask me certain questions and give me something to fiddle. I learnt or at least had it confirmed that being scared to walk across the courtyard at college was not normal and that I struggled balancing friendships and understanding them. Something I still struggle now with. I learnt that being me is okay and approval doesn't need to be sort. Not something I actually have been able to put in practice until much later. College followed where again I was the organiser in class. Where tutors recognised the need to warn me of big decisions. They must have noticed something. Traumatic summer followed during uni prep time. Another breaking family. Moving away for a failed attempt at fitting in. Moving home again. Finding somewhere I could learn and growing in some manner. Bonds with tutor again another common theme. More counselling and a diagnosis of dyslexia a start of undetstanding to why some things had been tricky. Reading skills high. Tick. Intellectual tick. Ability to translate this out or on paper weak... bingo. I started attempting relationships. Not necessarily in the best ways. Eventually settling on one that was significant. I felt normal for just a little while but looking back i didn't get out everything I needed. It kept me out of the dark for a little while but fed into my hiding my worries to ensure my partner was okay. When that broke so did I. He wasn't the reason but had allowed me to hide behind. I went back in my shell. Threw myself at the gym. Hid from the world. A debel stage followed my online friends providing more comfort. Took myself away to different country was not letting the failed relationship define me. Was back at hotel before dark and felt very alone. This continued for years. Work home gym. Another bout of therapy CBT this time. A battle and half for me and the counsellors. Two that time after clashing with the trainee. Changing jobs helped as it gave me a new sense of ability. Tough though new people processes need to please. Lessons learnt a lot about appearances being important. Knock in the confidence there. What's happened there though is a more balanced social life. An opportunity to be me and my quirks and needs fitting in. I still get anxious but I've been lucky with blurt there as well as others. Slowly slowly I am beating things that made me anxious. It's not perfect by any means and I have to explain to my boyfriend that I need to fight through the anxieties. Not hide from them. It is working. I still have depression. I still get angry and I still need a lot of support to get me through but the battle is not over I'm just in a more knowledgeable position to fight. This is my story or at least a brief outline with a fair bit missing...

How/when/what/am

How do I know what's too soon? When is too soon too late? What do I do to encourage? Am I unreasonable to ask?

Well it's been some time... ...cant say it's been an easy four years. Times of euphoria and Times of heartbreak. Loneliness and grief as well as fun and laughter. Whilst the world keeps on turning without you close to us. Your visit to our little earth will always stay with us. Know how much your loved and forever in our hearts. Oh little one sleep soundly and play amongst the stars.